Tag Archives: OCD

Time to get crackin’


That is the sound my brain has been making these past few months (heck, maybe the last year even!)

I need a clean slate. I need to get myself together. I need to focus on myself. I want to eat better, exercise more, sleep longer, get to bed at a decent hour (hence the “sleep longer” reference), and crush this disease i have (oh yeah, that would be MS). I want to be a better everything (wife, mother, daughter, friend). It’s a lot when I think about it, but I need to get some much needed structure in my chaotic life. But to be a better anything to others, I have to be a better someone to myself.

I need, I need, I need…

My OCD kicks into full gear when I hear those words. My anxiety starts creeping up, and I wonder if I need to take some deep breaths or if I just need to dive into my personal pharmacy and take that lovely at anxiety pill.


There goes my brain again. And so begins my journey. It’s not New Year’s, so no resolutions necessary. I just need to write and get it out in words. Only then, I might be able to pick apart my needs and wants in order to organize my private chaos.

Can I have an extra hour please?

25 hours in the day. That would be ideal right now. I have been incredibly busy, to the point of total exhaustion.

Why am I going crazy with “a whole hell of a lot of busy”?

On top of doctor’s appointments, I am refinancing my house and the appraiser is coming on Thursday! Ahhhhhhhh! I am having my rental remodeled (basically getting gutted from floor to ceiling). Bigger Ahhhhhhhh! Then I am playing delivery girl during the day, driving supplies from Home Depot to the rental daily. Huge AHHHHHHHHHHHH! I am lucky to be home in the evening to spend time with my kids and continue cleaning and make my home look more liveable.

I cannot drive during the night because of my vision, so at least that is helping make me accountable for being at home by the time the sun sets. I did go to bed earlier the last few days, but my body then yelled at me at 5am to get up and do something. If I tried not to listen then my brain went into over-drive with all the thoughts of what I needed to have done by yesterday.

I feel like I have OCD ADHD. If I had one more hour in the day, I would definitely stop and take a well-deserved nap. My body is so mad at me right now. I should be sleeping, but my brain is saying “no! Stay awake and post something in your blog and get more stuff done.”

Ok, brain, tonight you won.

“Avoid stress” she said

My life is a big ball of stress.

I used to make lists and write myself notes of things I needed to do and had to do. But now I am lucky somedays to be able to see the blur I am trying to type or write up.
That stresses me out.

I am an OCD momma who is too fatigued most days to organize and perform my obsessive compulsive activities which keep me sane.
That stresses me out.

My brain is on hyperactive overload while my body is trying to walk through wet concrete. Which includes me thinking about every little thing when I am trying to sit and relax and also in bed trying to sleep.
That stresses me out.

I want all my house-cleaning and organizing stuff to be all done now, or at least by 3pm on Saturday. And I am not even close to being done.
That really stresses me out.

When I was first diagnosed with MS, my doctor said that I have two important things I need to avoid in order to get better: “Don’t get sick and avoid stress”

Well, good grief, I was getting sick constantly for about a year which made things terrible, but thankfully I have been quite well since being home full-time. However, that stress thing is just hanging around and not giving me a chance to be level and is starting to cause more problems.
That stresses me out.

Today was incredibly stressful, but I have to have faith that tomorrow will be a better day. It just has to be… I need it to be… ok, that’s enough complaining on my end for today.
Because complaining and dwelling on it stresses me out.